As I write this, it is almost two weeks since my mother passed away. Even though I knew this moment would come sooner or later, I'm still kind of caught off guard and surprised. I have no idea if it's normal for me to feel overwhelmed, but I do know that it feels that way to me. I think numerous books have been written about (impending) death and grieving. But there is no such thing as a script or prescription for saying goodbye, and in my opinion that is a good thing. Saying goodbye is a very personal thing and different for every person. Saying goodbye is something we all have to deal with sooner or later. It is, as it were, part of life.
But why, relatively speaking, is there so little talk about it?
We all know that we were born at a time and that one day we will die. I know there are different directions and it can be experienced in different ways. But in this writing, I take birth as the beginning and death as the end. The birth of a child is celebrated exuberantly with bells, whistles, maternity presents, garlands, cards and lots of cuddling. And yes, I also participate exuberantly in this. In fact, I applaud it, because as far as I'm concerned, life & new life can be celebrated.
If you broach the subject of death or dying, then in many cases it suddenly becomes silent and a gloomy veil often descends. Talking suddenly becomes whispering and if possible, the subject is changed as quickly as possible. Would it help and make a difference if we discuss a subject like death? Yes, just as we discuss reproduction and contraception in school and at home, a subject such as death can and should also be open and discussable.
I am Moluccan/Dutch, and I grew up with my father and sister in the Moluccan community and neighborhood. Within the Moluccan community, it is quite normal to be taken along as a child, when family or friends are dying or have passed away. It is, as it were, part of growing up. As a child, I learned that death is a part of life. This also applies in India, for example, where death is a visible image of and in daily life, because cremation takes place in the open air and/or on water. You might wonder and say now, but you still wrote at the beginning of this writing that you were overwhelmed and surprised. Yes, that's right and you're absolutely right about that. And yes, that feeling is still true. How can that be, if you have been introduced to death and death from an early age? I think I'm going to find that out little by little as I write.
I'll take you first, to the death and farewell of my mom. It is still fresh, she passed away at the beginning of September. I was allowed to have her very close to me for almost 2 1/2 years and during that time I was able to visit her almost daily. We have been able to share and experience a lot together, including the Corona period known to us all. The last few months there was more and more pain and the quality of life, as we call it in the vernacular, deteriorated sharply. The medication went up little by little and mom carried it all very bravely and forcefully. And then suddenly there is that day. The day me, my eldest son and daughter-in-law went to visit mom. We were called aside and there it was. The inevitable message.
She is now really in her last phase and dying. She is tired, tired of fighting and ready to say goodbye. I got to be with her these last days and watch, as we call it. A Moluccan custom in which we coordinate with family that someone is always present. This way, the person who dies does not have to go through this process alone. Spending the nights with mom, being with her until her last breath. I think all these moments, big & small, are part of saying goodbye. Another door opened for her. Grateful and in peace I was allowed to walk with her, until mom was ready to open the door and say goodbye to the life she got to share with us. That last breath, her look and the eyes that looked at me for the last time. I will never forget it and carry this with love in my heart.
Is that saying goodbye?
Day by day, step by step towards a door. A door that opens for one and leaves another behind.
As I write this, I realize very well that a goodbye can also go very differently. The farewell of my dear sister, came and hit like a thunderbolt. My dear sister passed away at the age of 36, due to a fatal traffic accident. After work she went to buy a present in the city. Unfortunately, she never got there because she was hit by a truck. I now feel that heaviness again and hear myself sigh deeply. Yes, that is also saying goodbye, but then completely unexpected and completely unprepared. I'll spare you the details, but my world stopped at that moment and I was in total shock. No, I can't use the words surprised and surprised in this context. That doesn't come close to the feeling.
I have now taken you to the death and passing of my mom and sister. Are the two comparable? Is one worse and the other less bad? No, I can't put it that black and white. I can tell you from my own experience that it is different. Every death and farewell is almost unique and personal. I can now say that I am glad that I was able to learn as a child that death is part of life. Has this made me immune to grief? No. Does death and saying goodbye make it easier? No, otherwise I wouldn't be taken aback, surprised, or even shocked.
I think the answer is as simple as it is complicated. You cannot direct death, farewell and mourning. This is where feeling, personal bonding and emotions come into play and questions, lots and lots of questions
Such as:
· How should I deal with this?
· How do I get through the days?
· How is it possible that the people outside laugh, while my world stands still?
· How can and does life go on without you?
Some questions come with answers and some questions remain unanswered. Birth and death, yet remain a wonderful mystery and part of what we call life.
I know that I do and have done saying goodbye and grieving in my way and at my pace. It has become part of my life, my experience and it shapes who I am.
I don't know if I did it by the rules, but I know that Love is and was there in our midst. I could and should rely on that. The shared Love, those shared memories and moments. That smile, that tear, they once connected us and they may be there forever. I cherish them and carry them in my heart.
Have you ever said goodbye? Then I wish you love above all else. Take all the time you need. Do it your way and how it feels right for you. Do you want to cry, cry. Do you want to laugh, smile. Do you want to talk, talk. If you want distraction, take your distraction. If you want silence, get your silence. But whatever you do, do it because it feels good to you.
My motto and guideline is:
As long as you do it with the right intentions, no blood spills, no injuries and you don't knowingly or intentionally hurt people. Then it's good, do it and trust your gut.
Nusa Ina
Say goodbye and then?