Well there I am... , mother, child, girlfriend, aunt, grandma, niece and more.
I think I can say that I have lived and seen quite a few turbulent times. Gosh, I've often wondered what I'm doing wrong. Was I punished, don't I deserve love, am I not good enough, bad..... I have absolutely no hold on, no influence on what happens. Why? It can be different, because I see that around me. But why is it possible there and not with me? With us, in our family and the people around me. Why does my life seem so completely different from what I see around me. I've asked myself more than many times and just as many times, trying to change it. change myself..
Time and time again I got stuck. I walked with my eyes open, into another world full of chaos. There I stood, wondering how I got here. It looked like A, but it turns out to be XYZ and how did I not see this coming? Tired, tired I got.
Eventually I got so stuck that I couldn't get out myself and yes, sorry...... sometimes wanted to get out. Tired of myself and what life, it seemed, had in store for me. Why, that why again. Did I deserve this? Do I deserve it? Physical and mental violence were a well-known phenomenon early in my life. But it also seemed to follow me.
Of course I don't want this, but it was there. How small I felt. Small and scared. Afraid of the big bad world and the people who walked around in it. I preferred to hide. That seemed the easiest and safest solution. But I also knew that hiding meant that I should never get to know the beautiful things in life. I had built walls, meters high invisible walls. A smile on my face, smooth pleasant talk and my survival mechanism kept me upright and the evil world outside. Until I couldn't anymore and literally got tired and headaches (read migraine) from myself and the life I was so desperately trying to live.
Therapy after therapy followed and they all helped me a little bit. Talking, listening, asking, tears, tiredness and looking for guidance and a way out of the maze. Where is that magic door. I couldn't seem to find him. It would be easy to blame the therapists for that. If she had this, then I would… But after all these years of therapy, I realize that I was still that little girl sitting there in the therapist's chair. That girl who is afraid of the world. Wary of danger and that girl had experienced that danger lurks around every corner.
Of course I told a lot, a lot of what had happened over the years. I could write books full of them. But in hindsight I told that, what I could handle. What I dared to share and tell. But I was never confident. I had to be on my guard. Ready to intervene if things go wrong. And now, now at this point in my life. Can I finally admit to myself and say.
I was scared and sometimes I still am. But little by little, over the years, I've learned that that's okay.
"I can finally just be who I am."
I'm not going to apologize to myself any more than I expect an apology. It's okay the way it is and the way it turned out. No, I'm not saying that I found it nice or easy. I'm saying that it happened. I can't turn it back, but I can learn from it and that's okay and more than enough. I grow, I learn, and I live. No matter how difficult I sometimes find it sometimes.
I'm happy to be a part of this and happy with who I am. That's not to say I'm perfect. Just as I don't expect you to be perfect. Because hey, if life has taught me anything, it's that perfection is a perspective. Because what is perfect for one person. Is for another the greatest failure.
I go step by step and sometimes I seem to run, through life. I watch, cry, laugh and marvel. Ask my questions, sometimes share my opinion and listen. The world goes on and we humans do our thing. Due to the Corona time, the world seemed to stand still for a while or at least slow down a bit. That gave space….. That space is still there, filled with people, animals, nature and so many things.
I am one of many and here with you.
Hello world, here I am. Nice to meet you.
Nusa Ina
My journey of discovery