"Growth is not betrayal, nor is letting go." This sentence has etched itself mercilessly into my memory—the final line of Growth is Not Betrayal from Padede.
There was a time when I kept myself small, afraid to take up space. I stayed where I was comfortable, even though deep down, I knew it was holding me back. "Boo Betty Boo!! YOU REALLY NEED TO TAKE UP MORE SPACE," I heard the Siwabessy sisters, Aca & Ina, say in a motivational WhatsApp voice memo. But how could I claim my space when I didn’t even dare to detach myself from my surroundings?
Was I even allowed to take up that space? On a spiritual level, I had countless conversations—perhaps even sought permission.
Like many, I struggled with the fear of letting go. The fear that creating distance felt like betrayal. Yet, there came a moment when I had no other choice.
Padede was the biggest illustration project I had ever worked on. With themes such as addiction, abuse, intergenerational trauma, and life after pain, I was once again confronted with my own baggage.
To heal, I had to create distance. This brought moments of loneliness but also deep self-discovery. I got to know myself beyond the expectations and patterns of my surroundings. It was painful, but essential.
In my search for myself, I delved into my roots. I started exploring the history of the generations before me, and the more I learned, the more I was consumed by a monster called resentment. I felt anger toward people who knew nothing about our history—a history that was never taught in school. And if you did speak about it, for example, on social media, you were quickly labeled an activist.
I admit it: I have a fiery Moluccan character, so I genuinely believe I have spoken to people with all the necessary emotion and passion.
There I stood again, at a crossroads. Did I want to remain stuck in the past, or could I find a way to carry my ancestors' lessons forward without being trapped in the pain? I realized that I am here in the Netherlands due to a fusion of circumstances. My existence is rooted in a past of struggle, but I don’t have to keep living in that struggle.
Growth is not betrayal. Letting go isn’t either.
Letting go is not a break from the past, but a way to create space for the future. I have learned that I don’t have to release my history to move forward—I carry it with me as a source of strength rather than a burden.
So here I stand, with open hands and an open heart.
I choose to grow, to walk my own path without guilt. And if you, too, find yourself at such a crossroads, know this: you are allowed to choose yourself. You can let go without losing anything.
Let’s create space—for ourselves, for each other, and for everything yet to come.
With love
Betty
Growth & letting go